The Cleansing

When Life Gave Us Lemons, this is not what it had in mind.

Mood: Tense

Matt and I have decided to try The Master Cleanse. It's one of the hip things to do, if you are an L.A. douche bag like ourselves. I had heard other people talk about it and simply scoffed. After all, who doesn't get tired of people talking about their fad diets and "cleanses"? Doesn't the body cleanse itself? Hasn't the human race been around a long time before this trendy desire to "detox"?

I found myself in a predicament when we slated a music video shoot for our feature, 'how the SKY will melt.' I got skinny for the October shoot, but by now I've gained most of it back, and Christmas still stands between us and the shoot. How will I get to where I need to be in three weeks? How will I stop myself from consuming 8.5 million cookies and 7 pounds of butter and cream-laden savories over the holidays? Cue The Master Cleanse. It doesn't have any bad wrap medically, and people we've talked to love it. While we were gathering supplies at Trader Joe's, some employees recognized what we were doing, because they had done it themselves or were still in the process. They were eager to share their experience and wholeheartedly encouraged us to go ahead with it. So why not? Let's juice some lemons and see what happens.

Here's what it is. Basically your only calorie intake comes from a concoction of lemons, real maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. In the morning you pound salt water, and at night you drink a laxative tea. I almost died of embarrassment when I purchased my "smooth move" tea. This is supposed aid the flushing process, as in, get cozy with the bathroom. It's basically ten days of completely cleaning out your digestive system. It sounds like the most un-appealing way to shed pounds that I can think of. However, the results are supposed to be amazing, and you lose your appetite for all of the crap for a while afterward. So it solves my needing to shed the extra peanut butter cups and pumpkin pie, in addition to keeping me in control while we are home for the holidays. So why not give it a go?

I truly do not know if I'm the kind of person that can go 10 days without solid food. I LOVE food. It's not that I eat all that horribly, but I have always been a foodie with a big appetite. Matt and I love trying new things. Food is my comfort and my safe place. Cooking is a passion. Our penchant for cooking shows is no help. When I try to "be good", it puts me in an agonizing emotional roller coaster. I'm so bad at controlling myself, no matter how badly I think I want to. Then I enter the classic cycle of feeling terrible about myself, and you know how it goes.

Come hell or high water, we start tomorrow. I am keeping this blog as another way to hold myself accountable so that I will finish. Plus, I thought it might be fun to chronicle my mood swings and all the irrationality that might spill forth. Expect a melt-down. But don't worry too much--I'm allowed herbal tea as a treat!

Tomorrow morning, we replace our cooked multi-grain, poached eggs, and coffee with a delicious pint of salt water. So this is me, mentally preparing the night before. At least all of this has psyched me out of the food cravings for the time being.



This is my new food pyramid for the next ten days: